stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
