So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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