after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
