By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize