you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
