I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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