who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
