It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I am naked and annoyed.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
