she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
