you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
