Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
