Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
