I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
