I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So vagazzling was a success
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
try to milk me bitch
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