you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
