This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Of course I have a pirate flag
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
