his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
