I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
