I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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