just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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