mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
