a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
