There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
