Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
