rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
