He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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