Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
