i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
