things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Randomize
