Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
