If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
