You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
