I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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