Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize