sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
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