i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize