good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize