Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize