Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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