I think I died a long time ago.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
