The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
