Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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