im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
