happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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