we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize