Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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