i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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