Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
