So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
