I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
