In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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