I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
