Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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