I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
