I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
