i think my tv is drunk
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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