I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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