and my herpes radar will keep us safe
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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