You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
