smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
