I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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