My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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