Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
