Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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