Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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