the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
